Thursday, August 13, 2015

Dead Again

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

Bride and Broom

Two brooms are getting married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk."
The groom broom says, "How can that be? We haven't even swept together!"

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Corpsalicious

One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ''There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don't fear anything.''
After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same.
After hesitating, they all did it.
''Next,'' the professor said, ''you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.''

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

California

Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Hella.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Blond Blows it

Q: What's it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?

A: Data transfer.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

No Children

Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children?
A: He only comes once a year -- and when he does, it's down a chimney.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Confessions

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.
"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"
"I'd rather not say who it was."
"Was it with Betty Smith?"
"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.
"Yes, and two very good leads!"