Thursday, March 31, 2011

Pakistani in India

A Pakistani tourist after a long walk in one of very fancy clean streets of Delhi (India) found himself needing a toilet badly. After a long search he could not find any, eventually couldn't control and chose a silent corner of a clean street to release himself. Once he had just started, a police official approached him, Hey What do you think you're doing here?
Pakistani tourist: sorry I have to "P" Police: No PP here okay? Follow me... The Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby with lots of grass, flowers and singing birds around....
Police: PP here.. have a nice day police said. Pakistani tourist: Oh sir ... that is very nice of you, is this Indian courtesy?
Police: No... this is Pakistani Embassy !!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

pakistan air force!

Pakistan just got their new Chinese fighter planes and sent a squadron of pilots there for training. "OK, this one is easy to fly", said the Chinese trainer, "even you fools should be able to operate it! You press this button to go up, this one to go left and this one for turning right!" "But how do we come down?" asked Capt. Arfath Pasha. "Oh," said the Chinese "leave that to the Indian Air Force!"

Monday, March 28, 2011

India Pakistan at nuke war!

During the cold war, if USA launched a nuke-loaded missile, Soviet satellites would inform the soviet army in 3 seconds and in less than 45 seconds soviet counter missiles would be on their way.
Recent studies commissioned by the US department of defense included one on nuclear war between India and Pakistan. This was the scenario.
The Pakistan army decides to launch a nuke loaded missile towards India. They don’t need any permission from their government, and promptly order the countdowns. Indian technology is highly advanced.
In less than 8 seconds, Indian army detects the Pak countdown and decides to launch a missile in retribution. But they need permission from the Government of India. They submit their request to the Indian President. The President forwards it to the Cabinet. The Prime Minister calls an emergency in Lok Sabha session. The Lok Sabha meets, but due to several walkouts and severe protests by the opposition, it gets adjourned indefinitely, The President asks for a quick decision.
In the mean time, the Pak missile failed to take off due to technical failure. Their attempts on re-launch are still on.
Just then the Indian ruling party is reduced to minority because a party that was giving outside support withdraws it. The President asks the Prime Minister to prove his majority within a week. As the ruling party fails to win the confidence vote, a caretaker government is installed. The caretaker Prime Minister decides to permit the Armed Forces to launch a nuclear missile. But the Election Commission says that a caretaker government cannot take such a decision because the elections are at hand. The Election Commission files Public Interest Litigation in the Supreme Court alleging misuse of power. The Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the Prime Minister, and says the acting Prime Minister is authorized to take this decision in view of the emergency facing nation.
Just then one of the Pak missiles successfully took off, but it fell 367 miles away from the target, on its own government building in Islamabad at 11:00 AM.
Fortunately there were no casualties as no employee had reached the office that early. In any case the nuclear core of the missile had detached somewhere in flight.
The Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China and USA. The Indian Government, taking no chances, decides to launch a nuclear missile of its own, after convening an all-party meeting. This time all the parties agree. Its three months since the army had sought permission. But as preparations begin “pro-humanity” & “anti-nuclear” activists come out against the Government’s decision it results in Human chains and rasta roks.
In California and Washington endless e-mails are sent to Indians condemning the Government and mentioning “Please forward it to as many Indians as possible”.
On the Pakistan side, the missiles kept malfunctioning. Some missiles deviate from target due to technical failures or high speed wind blowing over Rajasthan. Many of them land in the Indian Ocean killing some fishes.
A missile (smuggled from USA) is pressed into service. Since the Pakistan army is unable to understand its software, it hits it original destination: Russia..!
Russians successfully intercepts the missile and in retaliation launches a nuclear missile towards Islamabad. The missile hits its target and creates havoc.
Pakistan cries for help. India expresses deep regrets for what has happened and sends in a million dollars worth of Parle-G biscuits.
Indian missiles lie in bomb-dump seeking extension of life…

Saturday, March 26, 2011

santa @ library

Santa walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!"
The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our phone book."

Friday, March 25, 2011

sardar selling his car!

A sardar wanted to sell his old battered Maruti car which had done more than 100,000 kms. Since
no body was inclined to buy it, he approached his friend to help him dispose it off. The friend
advised him to have the mileage meter reading reduced to around 30,000 kms so that he could tell
the prospective customer that it has been used sparingly.The sardar liked the idea. A few weeks
later the same friend met him and enquired whether he was able to dispose off his car. The sardar
 replied, "Are you mad? Who sells a car which has done only 30000 kms!

santa at KBC

Santa Singh is the aggressive participant on Kaun Banega..
Amitabh: Santaji, 5 sawal ka jawab diye to Rs. 10,000 jeetiye. 15 jawab par 1 crore! Aapke paas
teen lifeline hain. Ek hazaar rupee ke liye aapka pehla
sawaal: Who is India's Prime Minister?
A: Vajpayee B: Advani C: Zail Singh D: Amrish Puri?
Santa Singh: Vajpayee.
Amitabh: Sure?
Santa Singh: Yes, sure.
Amitabh: Confident?
Santa Singh: Yes
Amitabh: Absolutely sure?
Santa Singh: Yes Amitji.
Amitabh: Lock kar dein?
Santa Singh: Yes.
Amitabh: Sahee jawab! Aap ek hazaar rupee jeet gaye hain!
Santa Singh: Oye! Saale, ullu mat banaa! Paanch jawab diye hain
puray dus hazaar nikaal!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Laloo Jokes!

Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush the
security guard told Laloo "WAIT SIR" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs"
and moved on...

Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las
Vegas. So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji could
you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...".
The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo
immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.

Laloos family planning policy..
"Don't have more than two children in one year"

At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender,
"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." & the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS,
SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."

After having become the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to pose for a picture.
To show he is down to earth CM he decides to pose along with a herd of
buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for
the photo. Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. GUESS
THE CAPTION "Laloo, third from left"

Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business
Development to Bihar. The Japanese Ambassador was quite impressed with
Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years
and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan.
"Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated "Give me
three days and I will turn Japan into Bihar"

A reporter asked Laloo "What is the main reason for a divorce ?"

indian politics pvt. ltd.

ek boy ne ek ladki ko kamal ka phool diya,
ladki ne usko jor se chata mara,
boy: mei to BJP ka prachar kar raha tha!!!
girl: mei Congress ka!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Boy: my gf broke up with me and sent me a picture of her with new bf kissing!
Friend: you must have felt really bad!

Boy: No, I forwarded that picture to her dad!!

sender: Acyut
Sir: Do you know who Napoleon was?
Peter: I don't know
Sir: Pay attention to your books then you will know!
Peter: Do you know who is Micheal is?
Sir: No!
Peter: Pay attention on your wife then you will know!


Thursday, March 17, 2011

Teacher: write an essay "If i was a millionaire"
teacher noticed all students were writing except one,
on asking him the reason of not writing he told " I am waiting for my secretary!"
thats attitude!

sender: milan

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Santa's father brought a new sim card.

Santa saved it's number in his mobile phone as,

New father!!

sender: Ashish

Monday, March 14, 2011

A Pakistani US citizen goes to the doctor
because he just simply doesn't feel good. He's tired, his stomach is upset, & he has a headache. Just feels terrible. The doctor checks him over and can't find any medical reason for him to feel the way he does.
He offers a Naturotherepy approach that he has seen work before. The Pakistani man is stunned, though, that the treatment means he has to go home, shit and piss into a bucket and leave it in his basement for a week.
Trust me," the doctor says, "I have seen this work." The man goes home and follows through on the instructions. Within a day, though his house smells terrible and by the end of the week, it is an overwhelming stench. His eyes water every time he walks in the door, but he feels no better.
He calls to yell at the doctor who calmly says," Go down and take three big deep breaths directly from the bucket and you will be cured." "You're crazy!" comes the reply. "Trust me." says the doctor. Down he goes into the basement and he takes the first breath. Gagging and choking, he does it again. Then, on the third breath, he feels the headache leave. His stomach settles and he feels amazingly well. The stench is even tolerable.
He calls the doctor to tell him the good news.
"I told you I've seen this work with people from Pakistan before," says the doctor.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.
When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?". The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left.
When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.
Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview ?".
Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.

corrupt government!

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Vajpayee and Musharraf meet up in Islamabad for talks on nuclear arms. When Vajpayee sits down he notices Musharraf 's chair has three buttons on the armrest. They begin talking but after 5 minutes Musharraf presses a button and a boxing gloves pops out of Vajpayee chair and bashes him on his face. Vajpayee, barely believing it, carries on talking but after another few minutes Musharraf presses a second button and out comes a large boot and kicks him in the butt. Vajpayee is kicked off but still remains outwardly calm. They resume the talk, but after 5 minutes Musharraf presses the final button, and from under the table another boxing glove hits Vajpayee. The Indian PM is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave.
"We'll continue this talk Next week in the New Delhi" says the Prime Minister.
Musharraf, choking from laughing, is too proud to say no. So the appointment stands. A week later Vajpayee receives Musharraf in the Prime Minister's Office.
As Musharraf sits down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of Vajpayees chair. As the 20 min meeting goes on, Musharraf sees Vajpayee press the first button, and ducks really fast, but nothing seems to happen. This doesn't stop Vajpayee from laughing...really loudly. After this, Indian PM continues where he left off, until he presses another button. Musharraf reacts really quickly, and jumps up. Absolutely nothing happens, and this time Vajpayee falls out of his chair laughing.
Musharraf doesn 't get it - what the hell is happening here? But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further. After A few minutes Indian PM presses the final button. This time, Musharraf stays sitting, but Vajpayee isn't, he's rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing. Musharraf is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Pakistan "
Vajpayee: (Through tears of laughter from the floor) - " PAKISTAN?? WHAT PAKISTAN??? DO YOU THINK IT'S STILL THERE??"

Sunday, March 6, 2011

sardarji ne exam ke liye paper set kiya.
wo dekh k sab students behosh ho gaye!
questions the:

1. China kis desh me hai?
2. 15th august kis date ko aati hai?
3. green rang kis colour ka hota hai?
4. tamatar ko hindi me kya bolte hai?
5. mumtaz ki qabar mein kaun dafnaya gaya hai?

sender: milan

Friday, March 4, 2011

A dad passes by his son's bedroom was shocked on seeing everything in order...bed nicely made up, no mess around and everything was packed!
he went in and saw an envelope on the bed addressed to him!
he opened the envelope and started reading the letter inside with his trembling hands
'Dear papa, it's with great regret that i'm writing to you. I had to runaway with my girlfriend because i want to avoid the scene with mom and u.
I've been finding real passion in her and she is soo nice her dimple cheeks and sweet eyes and good charachter. Don't worry dad i'm 21 and i know how to takecare of myself.
someday i will come to visit you so u can get to know your grand-children
(His dad had rolling tears, he read on!)
none of the above is true!
i'm at neigbours home. I just wanna remind you that worse things than my result which is lying in the drawer..please sign it, and call when its safe to get back home!'

sender: ashish