Wednesday, November 28, 2012

marriage husband wife jokes


1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ....

3. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

got it in an email courtesy red skelton

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

never be overconfident

alpha to tiger: Please divert your course 15 degrees East to avoid a collision.
tiger to alpha: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees West to avoid a collision.
alpha to tiger: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
tiger to alpha: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
alpha to tiger. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
tiger to alpha. This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

be careful while wishing

A witch met a couple whose husband was 60 year old and wife was 58 year old and gave each of them a wish which she would fulfill.
Wife: I would like to travel around the world with my husband.
the witch moved her stick and gave her 2 tickets.
Then the witch asked the husband what did he desire.
Husband: I would like a wife who is 30 years younger than me.
Ironically the witch being witch made him a 90 year old!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

useless fools

Most STUPID questions people usually ask in obvious situations.

1. At theatre: hey! What are you doing here?
Me: I sell tickets in black here. Don't you know?

2. In bus: A fat lady steps on my feet: Sorry did that hurt?
Me: No not at all. I'm on local anesthesia . How about trying again?

3. When i get woken up at midnight by a call: sorry! Were u sleeping?
Me: Na! I was doing research on whether monkeys in Africa marry or not. You thought i was sleeping, you stupid fool?

4. When they see me with shorter hair: hey you got a haircut?
Me: Nah! Its autumn. my hair are shedding.!

5. When someone call's on land-line and asks where are you?
Me: Hi I am in the market with telephone around my neck...

Faced any of these or similar scenarios? comment & describe the scenario here and get it figured in the next edition of useless fools

Friday, November 9, 2012

traffic police jokes

Santa was driving very fast,
the police got hold of him
Santa: sir, I'm learning to drive.
Police: what!! without a teacher?
Santa: yes sir, Its a correspondence course

Monday, November 5, 2012

my touching autobiography

Last week was my birthday,
I woke up in the morning, though I was expecting to be woken up at midnight, got ready and was surprised to see my wife not wishing me, my kids went to school in their usual manner as if it was a usual day, even my parents did not wish me...I went to office, frustrated, none of my employees wished me either but I was delighted when my beautiful secretary cam in my cabin and wished me "happy happy birthday boss" I was in tears when I asked her if she would come for a party, she agreed and we had a nice lunch at a posh restaurant... she asked me if I would like to come to her apartment, I obviously agreed. On reaching her apartment she told me she had to get ready and would be back in 5 minutes to which I agreed and got myself ready for the feast. A few minutes later light was turned on and many screamed "surprise" , I was indeed totally Surprised to find my wife, kids, parents, employees and secretary standing at the door with a cake, and I was sitting on the sofa, naked.
whatever happened next didn't surprise me, I got divorced!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

during lectures


I Hate When Teachers Say


"You Should Know This
You Learned This in 10th class !"
 
 I Don't Even Remember
What U taught in Last Lecture..